:: Friday, April 07, 2006
NOT FIT FOR PUBLIC BROADCAST
and now, for totally arbitrary reasons..
I present to you..
fresh from my most disturbed brain..
10 of my most exceptionally fucked up TV SHOW CONCEPTS for your enjoyment!
(just pray nobody's stupid enough to pilot any of these to air)
1. PRESIDENTAL PAINTBALL
a reality show concept where we handpick a group of contestants from the public.. we train them up as a team of elite assassins.. and then each week we send them out on the field armed only with a paintball rifle to hunt out "marks" we specify.. if we wanna keep this "above board", our targets will be soft targets - hired actors POSING as politicians, religious leaders, heads of business, celebrities, public figures.. etc.. but, what would make it MUCH MORE fun, is if they played for real TARGETS, targets with NO prior involvement (or warning) with the show..
the process of elimination is simple.. the more hits each team member gets the better.. and the worst performer is merely eliminated.. even better, we could just make sure at least one of them gets fucked up and captured by the authorities each week (which is funnier still if it's REAL targets).. the last remaining successful assassin with the most "kills" is then declared the winner..
for an extra element of danger.. we would also plant a "mole", somebody with a REAL rifle.. and watch the chaos unfold ;)
2. BALI VICE
just like the hit 80's show MIAMI VICE.. but it's all in subtitles and everyone gets the firing squad! and for extra bonus points we coud do special episodes guest starring CHEECH and CHONG, ASHTON KUTCHER and SEAN WILLIAM SCOTT, or those 2 dudes from HAROLD AND KUMAR go to WHITE CASTLE and watch and laugh as they all get right royally screwed by the authorities.. let the good times roll.. yeeeeHA!
3. ANIMAL HUSBANDRY
from the same brilliant minds at HBO that brought you SEX IN THE CITY and QUEER AS FOLK.. we finally bring you the alternative lifestyle drama show catered for the bestiality demographic! thrill to the controversial yet OH SO familiar personal lives of simple folks and all their angst as they attempt to find intimacy with animals in a dangerous new age of mad cow disease and bird flu!
(also another potential smash-hit.. STIFFS - the necrophiliac dating show!)
4. COOKING WITH METH AMPHETAMINE!
the weekly suburban methlab cooking show for today's descerning pharmicist.. we not only give you weekly tips on how to perfect your crystalmeth manufacture.. we also branch out into other exciting avenues of home improvement - such as cooking crack.. mixing up esctacy.. hunting for shrooms.. printing those sheets of acid.. glass blowing crackpipes.. tips for hiding your extensive drug crops from the helicopters and their heat sensors.. and all the latest and greatest technologies in evading customs.. a must see for anyone who really loves to BAKE those drugs AND their skulls!
5. WEEKDAYS AT BERNIE'S
I seriously don't know WHY they left this brilliant concept alone as JUST a movie (well, 2 movies to be exact, if you count the even more retarded sequel) coz this idea was SO ripe for the weekly sitcom treatment! imagine the endless laughs of an "EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND", "FRIENDS" or "SEINFELD" if the lead character is dead!! and even better.. we'd never need to worry about some wooden standup comedian trying to act.. when here, the lead character wouldn't even need to move! every season would get BETTER and BETTER as they decomposed into a horrible mess! extra comedy points too if the corpse is single.. OH YES.. a NEW DATE EVERY EPISODE!! the HORROR! the SIDE SPLITTING LAUGHS!!! THE SHOCKING DISCOVERIES and RESULTANT COVERUPS! ooooh maaan.. GOLDEN GLOBES heeeere we come!
6. AIRPORT PUNK'D
just like the famous Ashton Kutcher hidden camera prank concept.. except, this time we play jokes on unsuspecting members of the public in airports around the world and then proceed to get them fucked up by customs! sneak stuff into their luggage.. plant terror suspects amongst them.. get THEM targetted as security risks.. cavity searches.. drug mules.. bomb squads.. wot's not to love?
7. BAGHDAD SURVIVOR
this concept speaks for itself.. and really, isn't it about time we injected a little bit of danger back into a tired concept? and the lounder and more obnoxiously american the contestants.. the more fun it is to watch each week! just think peeps.. you hear about another bombing in the news every day.. well.. that COULD BE YOU! sign up now :)
8. THE DRUNK OLYMPICS
athletics with inebriated people - split into lightweight, midweight and heavy drinker catagories.. you'll laugh and you'll cry as ordinary shuffling drunks push themselves to the extremes of endurance as they compete for glory in a series of preliminary drinking games.. quickly followed by such grueling events as - HURDLES, POLE VAULT, GYMNASTICS, SYNCRONISED DROWNING, EQUESTRIAN, ARCHERY, THE MARATHON.. really.. the potential here is endless! (plus it'll give NEW meaning to drug tests.. if your blood is BELOW 0.05.. you don't get on the field :) )
9. SMACK ADDICT BIG BROTHER
16 strangers locked into a household with cameras following their every move.. sounds just like NORMAL BIG BROTHER doesn't it? but not if they're all drug addicts, we throw them into the house just after their final hit and then force them ALL to go COLD TURKEY!.. watch as they then try to survive a solid 12 weeks in hell in withdrawal as BIG BROTHER taunts them with hits of "the good stuff".. gets them to wager all their worldly belongings for it.. laces some of their food from time to time.. plants weapons in the house at their most desperate moments and watch as they fight each other like crazed dogs.. ALL IN A TINY CONFINED SPACE with SHITTY FLICKERING FLUORESCENT UV LIGHTS!! WAHOOOO!
each week.. either a contestant acidently overdoses, dies of complications or is otherwise knifed by another housemate.. with the most ferocious geeza left in the end, declared the winner!
as an alternate.. you could also run a "celebrity" version of this, featuring former washed up child celebrities.. (methinks that Sixth Sense kid, and that Jonathan Lipnicki would be perfect candidates.. they gotta be tracking some serious heroin by now.. riiight?)
10 PUPPET EXORCISMS
and finally.. we leave the BEST concept till last.. the tv show where we perform real life exorcisms with real life PUPPETS!! head spinnings, the vomiting, spontaneous combustion, howling insults in demonic tongues.. the holy water.. the latin chants.. and all of it.. with real victims and with REAL PUPPETS!! wots not to love, when you see fluffy bunnies, squirrels, dogs, cats, pigs, frogs and large flightless birds being thrown around, torn to shreds and torched whilst screaming "EVIL SATAN HELL SPAWN BEGOOOONE!!!" and flapping their arms about wildly.. plus, think of the spinoff stunt-casting celebrity angle here.. EXORCISMS performed by the SWEDISH CHEF anyone? FUCK YEAH!! ;)
trust me on this, this'll be must see television!
how could this possibly go wrong!?
:: Spoz 5:04 AM |