:: Wednesday, January 18, 2006
WHY TECHNO SUCKS IN '06
cast your brain back 10 years.. back to 1996.. back before Britney, N'Suck, The Spice Girls, back before the 80's were rehashed time and time again, back before EMO and kiddie punk, back before The Strokes, The White Stripes and "The-Big-NME-Hype-Band-of-the-Week", back before bling bling hiphop and epilectic frogs were all over the top40 charts, back before ipods, MP3's, internet downloads and all those record industry lawsuits.. feels like a freakin' millennium ago doesn't it? (and funnily enough, you'd be right too..)
and if there was one genre that looked set to change the world it was electronica.. all the kiddies were going nuts for it.. THE PRODIGY, CHEMICAL BROTHERS, FATBOY SLIM, BASEMENT JAXX were damn well near set to take over the world and you couldn't go anywhere, hold your balls, turn left and cough without stumbling upon another wannabee breakbeat idiot looking to cut sick over the soundtrack to the next action film or cheesy teen comedy.. rock bands all over were scrambling to add chunky breakbeats, turntables and acid bleeps to their sound just so they too could sell a few million records and be cool.. yeah those were the days.. soon every idiot around the world were buying up turntables and vinyl instead of guitars thinkin' they too could make a trillion dollars doing absolutely fuckall like NORMAN COOK.. you too could travel the world banging those beats and banging the chicks with all the drugs and performing monkeys you could ever want.. ROCK IS DEAD.. LOVE LIVE THE 303 and the 808! YEEEEHAAAA!
but like all things cool it didn't last.. and before you knew it there was nothing but shit TRANCE DJ's everywhere.. rich dumb american kids vomiting and starting fights all over IBIZA.. MINISTRY OF SOUND and all their compilations that all sounded the fuckin' same.. novelty dance tracks consisting of nothing but a cheesy 80's pop sample and a 4/4 beat.. DJ's waving their arms in the air like wankers in their own videos.. hiphop bling bling chicks.. that fucking CRAZY FROG.. and now.. 10 years on.. it's nothing but a fucking joke.. nobody would be caught dead doing this shit without being laughed at..
"you're too old let go it's over, nobody listens to techno!"
and yet.. they're all still there.. those poor bastards from 1996.. the ones left behind.. the ones who didn't sell out and make ringtones for a living.. there they are still eeking out an existence on the margins releasing albums nobody buys.. coffee table soundtracks, filmscore wallpaper.. mixing compilation CD's.. how do they afford their $1 million a day coke habit when all the cool kids are buying up indie rock bands now? when they're all dancing like anorexic freaks to those skinny-tie indie beats instead of YOUR beats? when you can't release all those uber-cool MASHUP party mixes AC/DC vs THE HIVES without geting your arse sued off? when all the clubs you used to play now just play INTERPOL, KAISER CHEIFS, THE CURE and JOY DIVISION? when every keyboard player is in a rock band with a flock of seagulls haircut?
well.. IF YOU CAN'T BEAT THEM, REMIX THE FUCK OUT'VE THEM!
yup.. you know times are desperate for techno freaks when you see all those REMIX albums coming out.. just in the last few months we've seen remix albums of BECK's GUERO, BLOC PARTY's SILENT ALARM, INTERPOL's ANTICS.. before you know it there'll be FRANZ FERDINAND, THE BRAVERY, KAISER CHEIFS, MAXIMO PARK and all those other NME hype's-of-the-week getting the once over.. I mean, shit.. if those bands are gonna steal all the funky beats and all the cool crowd.. why not go and steal them right back? watch in total dismay at all them techno freaks.. they once were gods amongst midgets.. now you can see them picking thru rock songs like a pack of vultures.. yeah.. yoooooou bottom dwelling bitches make me SiiiiCK! HA!
no wonder techno sucks in '06 if we gotta resort to THIS! :P
and so.. with this in mind.. and without a hint of irony (hahahaha) I'm now offering this same service to all you ADELAIDE indie bands out there.. gimme a song and I'll remix it so crazy even yo mamma won't recognise it..
here's some samples of my work..
CIRCLE CLAN - FOLLOW THE WHITE LINE (SUBWOOFER REMIX)
released on the album "FOLLOW THE WHITE LINE" (2002) as a bonus track, also released on the FOLLOW THE WHITE LINE single, which, upon getting played on 3D Radio reaches the No.1 spot and stays there for 2 weeks running.. :)
KALEIDOSCOPE - SEXUALITY (SUBWOOFER REMIX)
released on the "SEXUALITY" single (2004), also used as the soundtrack to a MUSIC SA television advert, which airs during Video Smash Hits on Channel 10, Saturday and Sunday mornings for 6 months running in that year.. (might still be running, but, never awake at that hour.. hehehe)
GRINNY GRANDAD - MEK YA MAM PROUD (SUBWOOFER REMIX)
released on the "MEK YA MAM PROUD" single (2005) in the UK.. apparently it's doing really well too.. :)
so there ya go, if yer interested, hit me up yo! :)
:: Spoz 11:41 PM |