OUT OF CONTROL
they assured me it'd be express post.. overnight delivery.. stored and protected in a vacuum sealed stainless steel refridgeration unit.. padded in newspaper, bubble wrap, styrofoam, bound in electrical tape, lead lined, concrete reinforced, able to withstand a nuclear blast, subzero antarctic temperatures and anything the combined US military could throw at it.. free from rodents, cockroaches, ants, lice, bacteria and telemarketers.. monitored constantly with a GPS tracking system with it's own dedicated satellite running a slow tracking orbit.. rigged with high definition digital video cameras no bigger than a pinhead broadcasting a constant feed from 8 different angles all viewable 24/7 via high bandwidth to a top secret online server.. all housed and operated in a heavily guarded bunker 2 miles underground somewhere in the Nevada desert.. funded by black ops.. off the books.. need to know basis.. beyond top secret.. they could tell you more details.. but then they'd hafta take a time machine back to the past to kill all your ancestors.. yeah.. these guys really don't fuck about.. so I have every assurance.. come hail, rain, tropical hurricane, volcanic eruption, plague of carnivorus llamas or the apocalypse that my brain WILL be returned to me saftely and in perfect working order come sunrise tomorrow..
yeah.. I've missed my brain.. I hope it's alright.. sure as hell didn't need it this weekend.. it'd just get in the way and get grumpy and yell at me anywaze.. constantly bickering at all the rest of my organs.. "oi.. SPLEEN! stop fucking about with the colon doing god knows wot, GET TO WORK or my gaaawd there's gonna be a helluva case of kidney stones to contend with NARRRRRRRRRGGGG!"
so, in my brain's absense.. I've been having an absolute whale of a time this weekend.. (or if my brain wuz here.. it'd get all smarmy and say "oooo.. we'll be having an oversized aquatic mammal of a time!".. or "ooo errr.. lets woop it up like a jolly festive cetacean!".. yeah.. pompous bastard!..) yeah, in case ya wondering.. this entire blog entry was written by a bundle of nerve fibres at the base of my spinal column.. they really are much smarter than you think.. even if they do work at the arse end.. "talking a lot of SHIT aye?" yeah.. we've heard all the jokes..
but likely yer growing bored of all me yik-yakin'.. so.. guess I better cut to the chase and show ya wot I've been doing all weekend in a brainless stupor..
yes.. look.. behold.. shiny shiny photos!
and now, since I've swallowed a dictionary's worth of words to write that shit up top.. here's the abbreviated details of my dementia this weekend..FRIDAY NIGHT
bit of a mixed bag of nuts tonight, dunno wot the hell I wuz doing half the time, but I remember it being a fun journey of sorts.. first stop.. gatecrashing some party at the LONDON TAVERN.. *cough* ok.. you didn't read that.. (why the HELL wuz I invited to this thing?? eh.. fuckit.. free beer!).. didn't last long there thankfully.. picked up a few drunks "prepared earlier".. and headed to the LIZARD LOUNGE.. won meself a game of foozball on a table seemingly carved by dyslexic scandanavians and assembled with a vital widget missing (who the HELL has heard of 3 goalies anywaze?).. we were here at LIZARD LOUNGE to catch a new up and coming band with an even more ridiculous band name than the TESTEAGLES or SIN DOG JELLYROLL, calling themselves the "TONY FONT SHOW" (seriously.. wot IS it with Adelaide bands and their names? - sheesh, and people laugh at the names I come up with!??).. anywaze.. by all accounts a damn fucking good band.. imagine if you will.. PRIMUS, mixed with SYSTEM OF A DOWN, mixed with.. shit.. I dunno.. um.. some other band that'd be like really impressive if I listed it here (yeah.. ok, a talking spinal chord has it's limits, ok?).. extra mention to the psychotic bass player who decided it wuz best to cover the entire venue except for the stage jumping like a retarded chicken whilst playing.. and the lunatic lead singer.. who, although I previously mentioned looked like that dude from the STROKES.. on 2nd thoughts.. probably resembles PAULY SHORE on a howling comedown.. but.. yeah.. don't put that against 'em.. absolutely freakin' brilliant stuff.. tore the damn roof off the tiny basement venue.. yeaaah.. ROCK!
after sinking a few of those crazy oversized tall LIZARD LOUNGE pints and catching the encore (wow.. everyone's doing one of those in local gigs now eh?) we took a smelly taxiride to north adelaide to the PINK PIG.. to catch a gig by "SNOW WHITE AND THE KRAFTWERK GNOMES".. yeah.. ok.. that's not their real name.. but I seriously refuse to name drop 'em again for risk of wearing it out.. if yer really confused.. look at the previous weekend posts.. see a reaccurring band there? (no.. not you, SWEEPER.. the other guys..) yeah? ok.. you caught up now? good.. pay attention.. there WILL be a quiz later.. and you KNOW wot we do to people who fail that.. you're eating them right now..
anyhoo.. the "GNOMES" (for short) played 2 sets tonight.. and were off to a bit of a twitchy start when the mixer they hired for the night suffered a violent onset of myxomatosis and had to leave.. (about a few songs in) leaving the job in the capable (ie: clueless) hands of me and Wokka.. (well.. ok, at least Wokka knows wot he's doing.. I just like fiddling with all the wacky buttons that make the lights go on and off.. wooo.. pretty!).. you knew they were having some real sound troubles when they swapped DALE and KALIAH over in effort to fix it.. and sure, KALIAH looked kinda cute "playing" the guitar (hmmmm.. hangon, it wuzn't even plugged in.. oh, nevermind), but DALE just looked WRONG in a cocktail dress.. c'mon maan.. think of the children! (seriously, I'd bring it up at ya next band meeting).. but, anywaze.. all DALE jokes aside (yup.. he's gonna kill me) they had a whole bunch of new songs added to the setlist from their upcoming album that freakin' rocked.. all these cool chunky breakbeats and wacky 80's synth flows and evil melodic flows in 'em.. real moody stuff from the "GNOMES" but dammit.. I liiiked it.. I liked it a lot and I want the freaking album NOW dammit.. GIMME GIMME GIMME! oh.. and for extra cool'ness they finished off the 2 sets with this crazy improv 1/2 hour doof doof live house mix that made the dancefloor go freakin' nuts.. kinda like MOLOKO n shit, but even funkier.. and sure.. I don't really give 1/2 a rats about MOLOKO (well.. not exactly true.. they have that one really cool song).. but.. damn did this shit funk out the joint.. dammit, if only I had a recording of this (hopefully it's not a once off freak event).. coz yeah.. if you missed this, you oughta have a dedicated team of MIDGETS kicking you in the groin for a year.. you missed a fuckin' good 'one.. rock on you wacky "GNOMES"!! yeaaah!
after all the speaker stacks stopped reverberating after all the funk carnage dished to 'em.. I found meself sinking some more late night beers in colourful suburban obscurity.. till I finally managed to stagger me way into a taxi.. and home.. phew.. damn good nite it wuz too..SATURDAY NIGHT
Enie had his 30th birthday party.. and.. really.. writing a detailed report of a party is gonna be meaningless to you.. especially if you don't know who this ERNIE dude is.. (and knowing you guys.. yer probably thinking right about now.. "hehehehe.. ERNIE.. heey ERNIE.. where's BERT? hahahahha.. geddit..? BERT AND ENRIE? hahaha ME SO FUNNY! they so totally gay for each other! yay gay puppets! WOOOO WOOO!".. yeah, that's right.. yer all a bunch of stoners.. I know wot MY audience is like..).. but, suffice to say, all you needed to know about this party was..
1. that photo of that tub full of beer and ice is NOT a hoax.. I really tried my very best to empty it.. but.. dammit.. THEY KEPT FILLING IT!! looking at all those cooper's pales.. all frosty.. all inviting n stuff.. yeah.. damn.. *sniff*.. such a thing of beauty.. dammit.. I think I got something in me eye.. *sniff*..
2. 2 words.. OYSTER SHOTS.. those of you familiar will be laughing knowingly right about now.. those of you not.. imagine.. shotglass.. one oyster dropped in.. filled with a bloody mary.. gulp it down.. all tomato'ee with the zing.. and this wacky bit of snot to chew on for a while to savour the flavour.. yeah.. can't believe I had 5 of those things in a row.. and considering all the oysters its just as well nobody left me alone with the tub of Coopers Pales.. it could've got ugly..
3. some of the craziest and most elaborately classy finger food on offer.. really.. I didn't see how beers and food of this calibre would mix.. but hey.. I gave it a red hot go anywaze.. (amazingly my stomach survived WITH the "flying colours" intact..).. big ups to the team of chefs on these puppies.. you guys ROCKED!
4. really really stoned.. trying to climb rocks in the dark.. at the beach.. whilst the pre-dawn tide was coming in.. yeah.. dunno how I survived that one.. good fun tho'..
either way.. a goodly dozen and more of beers.. red wine.. oyster shots.. miscellaneous wookie.. finger food.. and random rock climbing stupidity later.. I somehow managed to find meself home again.. passing out before the room spinning got too much for me..
I woke up today.. not quite able to fully comply with the law of gravity.. but.. yeah.. still solid and funkin' despite the carnage..
damn.. wot a weekend..
my brain's got a lot to catch upto when it finally gets back.. :)
Previously on Spoz's Rant: Box Jellyfish