:: Tuesday, June 21, 2005
y'know.. it's reports like this that really make my day.. if you haven't already seen it on the news.. (and it IS much funnier to see the video footage).. the short of it is.. Tom Cruise goes to the London premiere of "War Of The Worlds".. he goes to meet the peeps and the press on the red carpet.. and one "reporter" (actually a commedian for a new english tv show) holds a microphone up aiming to interview him.. but when he gets close.. microphone squirts him with water.. and hilarity ensues..
and fuck wuzn't it freaking hilarious to see him totally lose his shit? like it was battery acid or holy water or something...
"I'm here giving you an interview, answering your questions and you do something really nasty ... you're a jerk ... jerk ... you're a jerk"..
like wot the FUCK man? it was JUST a little WATER!!?? and now they're planning on charging the commedian and his camera crew with assault charges? for a novelty squirt microphone!?? chill the fuck out people.. what the FUCK is WRONG with this world?
although.. this does begin to sum up my problem with Tom Cruise.. yeah sure.. he's an ok enough actor.. I've seen enough of his films to enjoy watching him get run over, set on fire, eaten by carnivorous midgets (well.. no, that hasn't ever happened.. but how COOL would it be to watch?) and on film.. sure.. he's still annoying.. but.. you tolerate it for the sake of the fiction..
but, real life Tom Cruise? that retarded freak jumping up and down on Oprah's couch punching the air.. screaming "I'M FREAKING INTENSE MAAAAAAN!" looking like all the blood vessels in his head are gonna like freaking explode.. turning up to film sets extra early with little notes for the director to improve his film telling them.. "YOUR THE BEST DIRECTOR EVVVERRR MAAAAN!! I'M TOM CRUISE I'M KICKARRRRSEE!!! YOU'RE KICK ARSE.. I LOOVEEE YOUUU MAAANNN C'MON!!! KICK SOME ARSE!! GGGGGNNNNNAAARRRGGHH!!".. his migraine enducing hyper caffeinated need for nailing the role.. like FUCK MAAAN.. lighten up!! watching you is liable to be a heart attack risk..
would ya ever imagine Tom Cruise playing a stoner? some dude with scruffy long hair, hawaiian shirt, dumb looking goatee.. sprawled out on a bean bag with a beer in one hand and a spliff in the other with a glazed grin on his face.. filling the room with smoke watching the teletubbies.. only to utter "duuuuuuuuude" every hour or so only to pass out head first in a bowl of Cheetos? yeah.. bit of a stretch of the imagination innit?
so.. seriously.. Tom Cruise.. if you're reading this.. and don't lie.. I know the Church of Scientology has this site blacklisted.. but I know you're out there.. and can I just offer you ONE suggestion?
CHILL THE FUCK OUT BEFORE YOU FUCKEN KILL Y'SELF FROM HYPERTENSION!!
seriously.. if I ever see another Tom Cruise performance either on film or real life.. that involves his eyes bulging out've his skull while he grits his teeth to cracking point and all the blood vessels in his face come close to bursting.. as he screams out another crazed "GIMME A FREAKING OSCAR ALREADY OR I MIGHT JUST FUCKING EXPLODE" performance.. then yeah.. next time he's on a red carpet somewhere promoting a movie, maybe I should be there with dope brownies instead.. or perhaps the catering crew at his film sets should switch his triple expresso gunpowder coffees for decaf instead.. coz I think he needs it..
on a lighter note: any directors out there willing to cast Tom Cruise as a stoner? I'd pay good money to see that..
:: Spoz 3:05 PM |