:: Friday, June 10, 2005
THE BOTTLE NECK
right now, I would want nothing more than to stand in a wide open empty field and scream my fucking lungs dry, until blood pours out've my eyes and my head explodes.. and yet I don't..
yeah, ok.. likely you're confused (and perhaps a little disturbed) right about now.. so, guess I should explain myself, huh?
y'see.. I have a theory I've been floating around for the last year or so to explain all of this - the way I see it.. artists are a very thin divide from being complete and utter brain damaged emotional cripples.. just a few hairs away from being autistic bubble beings floating anaesthetised with blank faces and glass smiles.. y'know that saying "there's a fine line between genius and insanity"?.. well we dance around that line constantly.. and there's likely something seriously wrong with us.. and I really dont know how the rest of you put up with this shit and don't just put us all into therapy, on pills, electro shock therapy or shoot us dead like horses with a broken leg on the racetrack.. well.. except for ONE simple reason..
we're emotional cripples with a purpose..
yes.. that's right.. the only thing that divides us from the loony bin.. is we MAKE something of it.. something YOU like.. something you'd pay good money to see.. or buy and own on your bookshelf.. or profit from in your own right.. we serve a purpose.. and without it.. we'd cease to be anything but idiots staring at walls like medicated children..
consider a normal person..
emotionally they exist in a world of action and reaction.. something happens to them, they react..
and often in a very literal matter of fact response.. you can see them screaming at their computer screens.. yelling at their telephones.. honking horns.. boxes of tissues run empty.. eyes meeting from across the room.. monkey love.. one night stands.. bar brawls.. births.. marriages.. childbirth.. divorce and death.. this swirling volcano of crazy emotions that society barely keeps a lid on..
of course.. one may consider that all of YOU are seriously fucked up.. considering what a total mess of the world you make out there.. filling prisons and morgues with malfunctioning units..
so, what of the artist then?
we observe, we absorb, we act with detachment.. and some, if not all of our emotion bypasses it's usual (perhaps healthy) immediate release function only to build and build inside us like a reservoir.. this deepening well of fuel.. in equal measures light and dark.. swirling like a storm.. waiting for a moment.. usually months down the track.. way beyond the original moment that instigated it.. when we can syphon this ocean of feeling into a glass of concentrated "ART" you can consume..
you piss off a normal person.. and they'll take a swing at ya..
you piss off an artist.. they'll walk away.. and a month later they'll have a song about it..
and here's wot makes things more interesting.. we're living in a society, where increasingly.. not just the artists are detaching from the world and all it's emotions only to bottle it up.. but EVERYONE is doing it.. we're all bubbling away like seething volcano's.. and the only real emotion is displaced into a secondary energy.. of artists CREATING and then MEDICATING all the normal people who rely upon us because they're not allowed to react like they used to anymore.. coz of all the lawyers, police, politicians, workplace relations and protocol that tell them not to.. shit, just look at Russell Crowe..
but, perhaps I'm getting away from the point here..
so.. we return to the original statement.. why DO I wanna scream till my head explodes?
like any artist.. when I feel something I bottle it up, keep it cooking until it re-emerges as a shiny piece of art.. and usually it's worked perfectly fine.. it's why I'm such a happy chill out individual coz I have this nice release mechanism.. and yet, in the last few months to over a year or so.. this has all been destabilised whilst I attempt (more often in vain) to finish this FUCKING ALBUM putting my usual release mechanism on hold whilst I realise this one meta statement of wot'ever the hell has been in my head this last decade or so.. and usually this would be perfectly fine.. nothing I couldn't handle.. but, the closer I get to attempting to resolve all this.. the more chaotic my life gets to suck away my time, my patience and my sanity.. thus creating a feedback loop of MORE shit I'm bottling up for later.. and less time to finish this album's worth bullshit.. it's all building up.. driving me more and more insane.. the album acting like a bottleneck.. and either (a) I'm gonna be making some fucking GREAT stuff in the next few years (b) I'm gonna go fucking insane..
which leads me to believe that artists are emotional cripples.. no wonder there's so many of us diagnosed with autism (or the now uber trendy "Asperger's Syndrome".. shooting ourselves in Seattle toolsheds.. drowning in bathtubs.. overdosing.. or chopping our ears off.. we just fail to deal with shit like normal people.. we bottle it up like crazy people in the hopes it'll pay off somewhere down the track.. and you know you're really gonna be in trouble if it doesn't get out..
maybe then I DO need to find an empty field and just go crazy for an hour..
coz right now I ain't gettin' nothing out've this..
and sure.. I'll feel a lot better.. but, will it drain me of all my creativity?
is it a worthy tradeoff?
am I just freaking crazy?
could this quite possibly make me one talented bastard if only I keep a lid on it just long enough till I finish all of this? perhaps it might? perhaps it'll be worth it huh?
should I quit bitching.. and just be more patient?
yeah.. us artists really are freaking mental patients..
hmm.. I wonder.. does anyone need a lead singer for their band?
:: Spoz 2:26 AM |