:: Tuesday, May 31, 2005
as anyone may well know.. it's often the tiny things that cascade into true chaos.. like butterfly wings in Tokyo causing storms in New York..
for instance - if you haven't been living under a rock, hazing out on medicinal shrooms watching the teletubbies (and wondering how the HELL that fucking gibbering frog ring tone ended up as chart #1 in the UK.. like.. WOT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!??), or trapped in an Indonesian drug trial gone wrong.. then you may be aware of this recent trend with big business, who, always forever looking to screw out another few million or raise their share prices by a few cents, have decided to outsource all their call centre employees overseas.. usually to countries like India and China.. and you may wonder.. yeah.. so, wot has this got to do with me? why are you looking at me like that? do I have something stuck in my teeth?
but then you may wonder.. ok, why the freaking HELL would they do something as monkey retarded like that? don't they have enough desperate unemployed uni graduates to fill these roles? are they just fucking with us? is the purple teletubby really gay.. or just really really happy? are they planning something BIGGER here?
of course.. we have the official reasons..
(a) there's over 2 billion people in countries thru India and South East Asia you could exploit for less than $1 pay a day.. and still have enough employees (slaves) left over to make all yer NIKE sneakers and paint SIMPSONS animation cells..
(b) less stringent labour laws.. so it's actually legal there to have 1000 monkeys on 1000 typewriters working tirelessly day in and out to make that next sequel to the Da Vinci Code (or another freaking Harry Potter)
(c) it's a conspiracy between the Illuminati, Majestic 12, Area 51, the US presidency, Saudi Arabia, KFC, the Mole People and the Purple Teletubby, to undermine the economies of the world, just so we'd eat more of those freaking low GI chicken salad wraps that are sprouting up everywhere like a virus.. or..
(d) I'm shit crazy and full of sugar and I'm just making this crap up (wouldn't be the first time either)
and yet none of these reasons reveal wot's really going on here..
it's not just about call centres..
it's not just about economic voodoo..
it's a sign of something bigger..
the key I'm discovering.. is the following theory..
MATERIAL HAPPINESS = LOSS
ULTRAVIOLENT INSANITY = PROFIT
"wuh? wot the fuck is he on about.. wot's THIS got to do with call centres? why should I give a shit? wot's this got to do with me? where can I download me some Star Wars wookie porn dammit?"
y'see.. back in Uni during my Visual Arts degree.. I took an elective in Advertising.. and if there's ONE thing I learnt from that semester's class (besides discovering that chicks in the Advertising degree were much hotter and up for it than those scary militant hairy armpit lesbians in my Visual Arts degree..)..was, to learn the 3 time honoured strategies for selling product..
1. ENTERTAIN - make the people like you, and they'll buy your product
2. EDUCATE - make the people better informed.. and they'll buy your product
3. ANNOY - drive the people so freakingly insane with the nonsense chatter / the screaming / the burping and farting with the flashing lights and the "MR BANKRUPT!! MR BANKRUPT!!! BUY BUY BUY SALE SALE SALE WE'VE GONE CRAZY! AUAUAUUAUAUAUA!!!".. that they'll buy your product just to stop the voices in their head.. or, more than likely they'll find out where you live, rip out your spine with bolt cutters, punch holes thru your eye sockets with a chisel, hack both your arms and legs off with a chainsaw, cover you with gasoline and set you on fire whilst laughing hysterically.. and yet STILL buy your product coz no amount of revenge killing can get that damn IDIOTIC "DING DING BA DING DING WOO WOO" frog ringtone out've yer mind.. ARRRRGGGHHHH JUST MAKE IT STOP!!!!!
and it looks like, increasingly them marketing chimps are looking less to actually providing entertainment or education to sell products.. NO.. they want to put us thru HELL.. coz, in misery the true profits lie..
and this is where call centres come into it.. coz, what is MORE annoying that telemarketers? what could possibly create more misery than an army of chattering baboons pestering you 24/7 thru ya phone lines? they're the forefront of marketing military technology.. the infantry.. the foot soldiers..
and, as I've discovered.. they've figured telemarketers weren't nearly annoying enough as a local entity.. not profitable enough.. so, in their divine wisdom.. they shifted them all overseas.. and thus, in doing so.. in their freakish mad science stroke of genius.. they developed the most HORRIFYING new form of telemarketer..
behold!.. the PIDGEON ENGLISH TELEMARKETER..
I've witnessed one of these first hand yesterday when I answered the phone only to be greated by broken english so twitchingly dyslexic it'd put the worst NYC taxi drivers to shame matched with an accented voice more incomprehensible than the Swedish Chef Muppet and Jar Jar Binks combined.. as a result (a) I couldn't understand 1/2 of what the fuck they were saying (b) they continually fucked up their "script" so they had to repeat themselves over and over to drill their message (c) anytime they'd hear me say "NO, PLEASE DONT RING ME AGAIN LATER YOU FUCKING TWAT!!" their english was so bad, they thought I was saying "YES, PLEASE RING ME AT THE NEXT NEAREST INCONVENIENT TIME WHILST YOU COVER ME IN VINEGAR N SAWDUST AND HAVE HAIRY MIDGETS RAPE ME SENSELESS! YIPEEE!!!!"
I used to be able to get rid of these people with an abrupt but reasonably polite request to GO AWAY.. or with a tried and proven.."HOLY CRAP MY CARS ON FIRE.. I GOTTA RUN!!.. *click* " tactic.. but none of this shit works on these new telemarketers.. if they can't speak your language.. then they wont understand your screams..
yes, witness sheer genius in mass marketing terror..
and, since they're overseas (a) it's gonna be much harder for me to lead a vigilantee urban guerilla campaign to stain their corpses to next thursday (b) and they know full well that in my diabolical rage attempting in vain to get rid of them I'm gonna remember the name of their product.. so they've won.. and there's nothing I can do about it.. bastards!
the further away they are.. the more annoying they can be, with less risk of retribution..
yes.. a foul tactic.. but it works..
and what works on a small scale like this, could only but spread and magnify.. the first wave, producing a new international outsourced pidgeon english terror to assault our synapses.. flooded with deranged adverts for WOK STAR sauces in cheesy pseudo japanese gibberings.. those retarded CGI frog ringtone ads.. the screaming / blinking / barking / epilepsy enducing flickering of a madenning campaigne to sell more product by drilling direct to our brain and laying eggs..
wot kinda world are we living in where crappy english skills is seen as a viable sales tactic?
when acts of torture that obviously violate key aspects of the Geneva Convention is seen as marketing gold?
how did we get to this? where they must torture us.. to force us to buy product?
why can't we all just play friendly?
is this just the tip of the iceberg?
does anyone know the truth about that purple teletubby?
will we live in a world, where any attempt to communicate is seen as a vulnerability to advertising.. screaming "LA LA LA LA" with our ears blocked and our eyes shielded from the ambient billboard environment?
and if everything moves overseas..
then, how do we defend ourselves?
perhaps THIS is the real reason the USA is building that star wars defence system.. hmmm..
:: Spoz 11:02 PM |