:: Sunday, February 13, 2005
NEVER TRUST A MOVIE WITH BRIAN DENEHEY IN IT
I've had enough.. no more.. no more freaking asteroid movies.. no more with the killer comets.. the freaking killer snow storm ice age.. the volcano in the middle of los angeles.. lunatic sandstorms.. aliens blowing up the white house (well.. ok, who wouldn't want that?).. rampaging mutant lizards.. hurricanes.. earthquakes.. one perfect storm teaming with killer flesh eating pirahna's raining down upon the lunchtime crowds of downtown San Francisco.. watch out for the aerosol toads!! auauuaauahhhh!! no more.. I'm done with it.. if I see yet ANOTHER fucking disaster film.. I'm gonna hunt down the producers and do me a little incident of "hollywood inspired violence" on their arse.. so then the tv networks have something else to blame besides computer games..
and there's a sure sign you're gonna be in for a seriously shitty experience.. 2 words.. Brian Denehey.. if you see him.. RUN.. change the fucking channel.. he's got bad cinema mojo written aaall over him.. seriously, is he like in EVERY freaking made-for-tv exploding idiot special effects bomb? yeah.. I got no idea.. I just keep seeing the idiot's face tied with the shittiest of movies.. didn't he used to be a class actor? way back in the 80's or something? now he's a fucking bad smell..
and y'know wot really shit's me about disaster films.. is how ever sneakingly.. just below the surface.. they're hitting you on the head with some demented american yeeHARR republican party / bible belt / george dubya bush "embrace fundamentalist christian creationist values or die infidel" mentality.. yeah, ok.. you may think I've totally lost the fuckin' plot here.. but, look past the wacky CGI and consider the basics.. all the archetypes of a pocket apocalypse are right there.. consider the greedy stockbroker crushed by a large flying chunk of ice.. the adulterer devoured by hoards of flesh eating midgets.. the wayward whore leading people into temptation only to die from burning doom falling from the sky.. New York City the new Soddom and Gommora engulfed in a blazing inferno (seriously, how many times do they hafta destroy the damn city till we get the hint?).. flee to the country simple folk and you will be saved!! and yes, just like all good horror movies.. never have sex outside of marriage or you will DIE!!.. look at all the archetypal sinners everywhere meeting their wrath at the hand of "mother nature".. whilst all the meek, humble, god fearing family values people live on to multiply like rabbits.. seriously.. do you ever see an amish dude die in one of these movies? hell no.. coz hey.. seriously.. if your beards looked THAT cool.. you'd be virtually bulletproof.. GO YOU WACKY AMISH GO!! WAHOOOO!! - hmm.. damn, that's a fucken good idea for a super hero movie.. AMISH WITH SUPERPOWERS!! YEEEAAAS!! faster than a speeding horse waggon.. able to leap a tall anachronism or barn in a single bound! WAHOOOOO! and there's no surprise here that a whole LOT of these movies came out JUST before the end of the millennium.. damn.. they were really looking for wish fulfillment weren't they?
and this whole "message" always comes across really really icky.. like those two little kids, y'know that one that kinda looks like Helen Hunt who wuz in that Joan of Arc movie (hmmm.. religious conspiracy anyone?).. and that other one? (shit.. wuzn't he Frodo in LOTR? whoa.. trippy) and they decide near the end of the killer comet movie to get married? get married so then they could have like a zillion god fearing little teenage pregnancy kids in a bomb shelter somewhere? .. or the father, who.. for no apparent reason.. decides to stay behind to get wiped out by the giant tidal wave washing over the north east coast of the USA coz he's always (a) a bad father looking to repent (b) divorced (c) a reforming alcoholic.. so he's gotta be RIPE WITH SIN!? and why is it.. they always do something all nice and progressive - like get Morgan Freeman as president of the USA, or a female president, or hey, why not a gay president.. and we can say YAY WE'RE SO OPEN MINDED!! only to have them wiped out in a horrible freak helicopter accident 2/3 into the movie, coz dammit.. NOT HAVING A DUMB WHITE TEXAN GUY AS YOUR PRESIDENT IS WRONG PEOPLE!! WRONG!! and watch as the god fearing chimps always pull thru.. the white picket fence suburban family, the old married couple who sleep in seperate beds.. the tiny little munchkin kids.. all with a tearjerking message of "how could we have been so blind!??".. United States always leading the world.. to a brighter.. shinier.. more pious future.. with a strong military presence and MARTIAL LAW FOR ALL! YES!! whilst all them crazy single people and those wacky african americans and infidel foreigners and scientists get wiped out.. coz obviously they were sinned against nature, HA! burn you fools!! JUDGEMENT IS HERE!!.. like those last few poor bastards you always find trapped in a crawl space as the water level slowly rises.. as the flames draw close.. drinking the devil's liquor as the snowstorm eats them whole.. I mean.. FUCK.. wot the hell?? that mellow stoner hippie dude 2000 years ago said nothing about this crap? we all liked him.. he rocked.. he made alcohol out've common kitchen ingredients.. he wuz great at weddings.. he was all John Lennon with the "be excellent to each other stuff".. and yeah.. he dies.. coz obviously.. there's no link between THIS brand of "christianity".. and any kinda tolerant, humanist, peaceful, rational thinkin' kinda philosophy.. coz fuckit.. they all die.. bring the sword.. bring the demons and the "get behind thee satan".. and televangelists at 4AM..
yeah.. they might as well stop dicking around and just show us the whole book of revelations thing.. give us the beast rising out've the ocean with the 50 heads.. Paris Hilton as the whore of babylon.. plagues of carnivorous turnips.. locusts.. angels with big flaming swords.. the four horsemen of the apocalypse.. all coz some wacky priest had an acid trip in the dark ages and conjured all this shit up in his head.. James Earl Jones as the voice of god (everyone knows we're all afraid of Darth Vader..).. coz this whole hiding behind a disaster movie bollocks ain't fooling me.. I see thru your thinly veiled propaganda.. you ain't foolin' me no more.. please.. NO MORE BRIAN DENEHEY.. NO MORE!! I RENOUNCE THEE FOUL CRAP ACTING BEAST!! BEGONE TO THE FOUL B-GRADE ACTING PIT FROM WHENCE YOU CAME!! HELP ME JEBUS!! SAVE ME FROM THIS INSANITY!!
(peers out window.. looking for stray meteorites..)
yeah seriously.. religions always start out with the good ideas.. and then they end up as Brian Denehey movies.. arrr crap..
:: Spoz 11:14 PM |