:: Sunday, April 11, 2004
I think I've become a rambling recluse of late..
I dunno, perhaps this is my deep seated paranoia..
but I just can't handle people at the moment..
can't really look 'em in the eye..
can't be bothered engaging them in conversion when I have nothing to tell..
of course, being plagued with musical writers block,
a slump of sorts.. a regression.. a feeling of slipping, losing grip on any talent I ever had (again, paranoid) also really doesn't help.. and is likely a large cause of this..
I seem to put my entire self worth as a human being, in my day-by-day prowess as a creator..
when the muse is good.. I feel fucken brilliant, like a cultural icon yet to be discovered by science or something equally insane.. when I've got writers block, I feel like hobo trash..
can't look 'em in the eye.. I ain't worth shit if the mind ain't working.. or am I?
is interpersonal relationships merely a tireless trade of milestones achieved? life goals obtained?
am I merely a medium for some self indulgent / self medicating musical junk?
do I do anything for this world?
am I just a bubbleboy zombie, sitting in his self medicating cocoon churning yet more shite to clog the arteries of this diseased humanity?
hmmm.. paranoia and writers block.. they don't mix well..
kinda like perscription drugs and operating heavy machinery..
there's a reason they have the label..
so.. feeling all kind's of out've sorts..
I've scrapped the current track I was working on..
deleting all the files of it I wuz working on..
I like the idea, like the title..
really hated the song..
really hated my fumbling lack of skill working on it..
all a bit humbling..
so.. fuckit.. bin it all..
take some time off to regain my fragmented sanity..
and return to it at a later point..
nothing I need more, than a holiday from continual studio / headphone mind destroying attention to detail.. this cancerous focus on faults.. everything looking broken before it's fixed..
too many days in the studio is doing my head in..
just as well I'm taking a Melbourne road-trip next week..
be good to clear the headspace.. and start fresh..
so yeah, I don't mix well with people right now..
too caught up in some internal bollocks..
a saturn's return perhaps?
judgement on my 28th year for my apparent sins?
I'm still trying to figure wot the hell I am..
am I an artist? a creative force?
or.. am I just an idiot savant, autism in denial?
an eternal slacker waaay past his useby date? full of sloth and ruin..
rambling, shambling, pacing back n forth in my plato's cave.. shouting at shadows..?
too many questions..
I need time out to find the answers again..
find the why..
if you've got "why".. you regain your purpose..
I need to find that again...
:: Spoz 12:35 AM |