:: Tuesday, September 02, 2003
the more I live in this world..
the more I see that it is broken..
I dunno, it at least needs a shitload of scotch tape..
perhaps some crazy glue.. a few extra doorknobs..
and being the misguided fool that I am..
I have a few suggestions on how to fix this fucked up little planet we cheerfully refer to as "earth"..
ALL CARS - MADE OUT'VE NERF
dozens of other people have come up with this idea, so.. it's in no way original.. but.. yet more reason why this idea makes sense! we've ALL BEEN THINKIN' IT!! why don't we make all cars from nerf? and while we're at it.. do it to all the vans, motorbikes, trucks, SUV's, wot'ever.. let's nerf up the planes, trains AND automobiles.. lets nerf the roadways.. coz, the sooner we do this, the sooner we elimate any NEED for speed limits, any need for breath testing, no more road fatalities! no more needless death! fuckit, with a car made out've nerf.. you could be a "weekend at bernies" corpse, operated by remote control from somewhere in the north pole, by a clinically dead from alcohol poisoning drunk dyslexic eskimo, who's relinquished his driving duties to his faithful near blind one-eyed walrus named doris, speeding that nerf car down a side street at 200 km/h.. and it'd still be safe! you don't need an airbag.. your CAR is an airbag!
imagine how much more fun the roads would be! they'd be safe for the kids.. playing in traffic will never be the same.. happily bouncing off cars as they colide with you head on, happily swerve, spin and knock about like dodgums.. till they're on their merry little way at a zillion miles per hour.. no more road rage!
and if we made planes out've nerf sooner.. we could've avoided the 9/11 disaster.. that nerf plane would've just bounced off the world trade towers and pinballed itself to a 3 point landing.. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS!?? C'MON!! think of the benefits!
YES! with cars made out've nerf.. everytime you cross the road, it's like a traffic group hug.. spread the love people!! give the pedestrians the GIFT OF NERF!! we know the kids dig it.. so, why dont we nerf the planet? really.. it's a idea that CAN'T GO WRONG!
A REAL JEDI ACADEMY IN EVERY CITY
anyone who's ever bought the Star Wars prequel DVD's.. flipped thru the extra doco's.. and seen Ewan McGregor, Hayden Christensen, Samuel L Jackson.. etc, duke it out in training.. doing all those funkin' jedi attack moves.. have probably thought about this idea.. (I cant be the only one.. right?)
for purposes of the film they got kung fu experts n shit.. to combine a whole bunch of martial arts disciplines.. to form the "jedi fighting style".. and I'm thinkin'... it's about time, we bring the public in on this one..
why should only the hollywood elite get the chance to smack-down with plastic light-sabres like professionals.. when the rest of us slobs for years, having been labouring around with bad techniques and crappy posture.. in a world on the brink as it is now, with idiots like George W (Chimp) Bush rattling around like a miniature Emperor Palpatine.. WE NEED JEDIS.. we need training schools.. WE NEED AN ELITE FIGHTING FORCE OF NINJA's TO BRING JUSTICE TO THIS WORLD!! see how well that training worked for Silent Bob, in those KEVIN SMITH movies? it can work for us too.. plus.. finally we'll solve the obesity problem.. as millions upon millions of dumpy nerds finally emerge from their dark moldy junkfood encrusted computer terminals.. to accept the ultimate challenge.. JEDI ACADEMY.. and get some fuckin' exercise!! and if we finally get the nerds out for a bit of fresh air for a change.. imagine how much BETTER our world would be.. finally the stodgy fuckers will think straight.. and finally they might design software and hardware solutions that WORK, for NORMAL PEOPLE!! YES!! coz, if anything can fix this world.. if anything can fight back the armies of TREKKIES choking up the world.. it's an oposing force of highly trained JEDI KNIGHTS!
THE HACKERS WORK FOR US!
We all know MICROSOFT is the BEAST.. but, really.. wot are we doing to stop them? countless tiny individual hackers, and script kiddie wannabies.. are doing their best to bring down the tyrant.. by writing nuisance software who's sole purpose seems to be making consumer's lives a misery.. and making ANTI-VIRUS companies filthy idiot rich.. a world of fear, is not a world we should be living with.. we shouldn't be living in fear of viruses, worms and denial of service attacks.. why are the hackers attacking US to get to THEM? wouldn't it be better.. if instead of them all working individually to piss US off.. we instead.. with a tiny bit of investment.. unite them.. as a singular force.. a software / hardware giant.. to RIVAL MICROSOFT.. a computer company, run.. from the top down.. the bottom up.. by 100% elite hackers.. wot better way to crush MICROSOFT's monopoly.. if we have an equivalent sized rival.. staffed by minions who've spent their entire lives finding weaknesses and exploits in their software.. and just THINK of all the cool shit they could bring us? they obviously know how to fuck up PC's with amazing ferocity.. so, why not get them to work for us.. build us a better future.. use their EVIL for GOOD! the ultimate people's uprising in computing and consumer electronics.. the ultimate in DIY technology..
ALL WARS SHOULD BE SOLVED BY THUMB WRESTLE
it's an ingenious 2-fold plan.. first off, we go to the UN.. and enact a law, that ALL territorial disputes, religious disagreements, battles for resources or CNN ratings.. should now be resolved by thumb wrestle.. for one, it'd eradicate all the senseless killing that goes on in this world.. coz, wot could be more fair than a thumb wrestle? it's next to impossible to train y'self an advantage.. there's not really much muscle density you could build IN a thumb.. and since the "battle" itself.. would play so much to chance.. the risk would be too great for most nations, and they'd willingly accept diplomacy instead.. also, it'd slash defense budgets next to 0.. and put that vast capital towards something ACTUALLY WORTHWHILE.. like, fuckit.. I dunno.. feeding the starving billions in this world, fixing up the environment.. if we took all the money the USA spends alone on ITS military.. and freed it up for domestic / international spending / aid relief / education and health.. how much better would we all be? why do we spend SO MUCH MONEY either preventing.. or causing MASSIVE violence to our own species.. yes, yes.. I know.. it's a dopey DISNEY-ESQUE bambi question.. "why's there so much violence in da world daddy?".. but, if we disarmed the planet, put in place the "thumb wrestling" act.. freed up all that money.. to do GOOD and NOT evil.. then, fuckit.. we'd be much better off..
we'd solve terrorism too.. coz, WOT DEMENTED REASON WOULD TERRORISTS HAVE TO BLOW US UP.. if we actually SPENT MONEY TO MAKE THEIR LIVES AND THE LIVES OF THEIR COUNTRY BETTER!?? HUH?? no point dropping bombs on them.. only to have them drop bombs on us.. violence begets violence.. but, thumb wrestling.. is just a short step away from a handshake of agreement to end all this sillyness.. you just know it's gonna work!
ELECTIONS SHOULD BE RUN LIKE REALITY TV
we all know the bastards are never honest, we know the minute they get into a position of power they're just gonna fuck things up, raise taxes, cut spending to health and education.. raise spending on this ridiculous "war on terror" and the even more ridiculous "war on drugs", pollute the air, sea and land.. and embarass us overseas.. and wot opportunity, wot REAL forwarning do we have.. to wot magnitude they'll make a mess of our country? a few polished political debates? some pre-written spin doctored speeches? some promises we'll know will be broken? some heavily edited soundbytes? fuckall when ya think about it.. and a total mockery of the democratic system.. when we're presented with (at best) 2 candidates.. who merely look / act and think alike.. to further the aims of big business.. FUCK THAT!
no.. I have a better plan.. to REALLY find someone to run a country.. we run the elections like a reality tv show.. with cameras EVERYWHERE to record all their moves.. all their mistakes.. all their scheming.. imagine if you will, a bunch of political candidates dumped onto an isolated tropical island, locked in a compound with 24 hour total camera coverage, put thru a humiliating talent contest.. all without their script writers, spin doctors, minders, image consultants n wot'not.. lets see them crawl thru the mud.. lets see them in their true colours.. lets follow their every move.. as we put them through all sorts of ridiculous and demeaning challenges.. let us sort out the weak from the strong, the dumb from the smart, the decietful from the honest.. lets laugh like idiots.. when we get to VOTE THESE BASTARDS OFF!! and when, finally.. one of them makes it to the end.. they get to run the country for a few years.. BUT, we will still be able to use our SMS / phone votes (or wot'ever) to veto any really STUPID ideas these guys may have.. AND, we'll keep those camera's on 'em..
if we wanna set up a surveillance state.. a police state.. who do we trust less? the people? or the politics? I say.. point it all at them.. and we'll sort the fuckers out..
(note: I'll add more silly suggestions when I think 'em up.. stay tuned ;) )
:: Spoz 5:10 PM |