:: Friday, July 11, 2003
now.. to explain, for all of you who DONT KNOW wot I'm crappin' on about here..
there's this candy machine in the CROWN N ANCHOR (a particularly grungy yet popular pub around these parts) which just happens to have a 24 hour hotline.. stupidly enough, they even have a human operator on it..
so.. 24 hours a day, even at weird hours on the night.. you could ring this candy machine #.. and register a complain.. etc..
so, heres some of my suggested phone pranks you could DO with this machine..
(all apologies to the poor bastards who actually WORK on this hotline.. hehehehee)
STUPID DRUNK THINGS TO SAY ON THE 24 HOUR SNACK MACHINE HOTLINE..
1. (in a really tiny voice) hello? can ya hear me? I'm stuck in a chips packet and I cant get out.. HELP!!
2. um.. are there any traces of nuts in peanut M&M's? coz.. I think I need an ambulance..
3. I'M NAKED, FULL OF CANDY AND I'M BUZZIN' OFF ME HEAD!!! GIMME SOME SUGAR BAABY WOOOOHYEAH!! (followed by the sound of the phone collapsing on the ground..)
4. I wish to register a complaint.. I bought a bag of M&M's.. and I can't find any &'s..
5. have you got any vegan candy? anything gluten free? is this koshur? any additives? genetic engineering? were any candy harmed in the processing of this candy!?? wot is WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!! CANDY IS MURDER! CANDY IS MURDER!!
6. (screaming at the top of ya lungs) THIS FUCKIN' CANDY'S MADE ME GO BLIND!! I CAN'T SEE A THING... WHO'S SCREAMING AT ME?? WUH?? HELLO!!?? ARE YOU THERE?? I'M DEAF I'M DEAF!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!
7. ow.. I thig I brobe a toob trying to takk a bi'e out've ya mac'ine.. it'sh ma'e of candy, riiight?
8. (2 people - one rambling in Arabic.. the other translating it into the phone) this is Osama Bin Laden.. I put coins in, and no candy come out.. I think it's broken.. this is not right.. I do not approve of your evil pigdog candy infidels.. you steal money from hard workin' terrorist.. I pronounce Jihad on our infernal machine.. the sins of your multi coloured ditdots will be paid by your blood.. oh.. and death to all americans..
9. do you have anything in a size 4?
10. candy?? WOT CANDY? ALL I SEE IS YOUR LIES!! YOOOU HAG!!! LIES!!! LIEEEESSSS!!!!
11. *sniff* *cough* wot the fuuuck.. this ain't even lo-grade stuff maaan.. c'mon.. where's the good stuff *cough*.. I need a HIT maaan.. I snort this stuff.. and I get NOTHING maaaaan..
12. um, hello.. I found actual bits of chicken in my chicken chips..
13. HI, do you have 5 minutes to spare? coz I'd really like to tell you the benefits of choosing OPTUS for your long distance / home phone / mobile phone and internet needs..
14. (to the sound of screaming in the background - widespread panic) HELLO?? HELP US!! THE FUCKIN' THINGS ALIVE.. IT'S KILLING.. IT'S RUNNIN' AMOK.. HELLO?? PLEASE SEND BACKUP!! HELLO???
15. (doing your best George W Chimp Bush impersonation), howdi.. do y'all like have any weapons of mass destruction there? or.. if ya don't.. canna we sell like y'all some weapons of mass destruction? coz my popularity with the american people is droppin' like Dick Cheney from a hart attack.. canna ya help me out? I need to inflict a good arse woopin'.. so, if I could just mosey on down with me stealth bombers..
16. (simply repeat exactly wot THEY say.. and once they get really pissed off and complain back.. yell in your best 3 year old voice - "THAT'S IT.. I'M TELLING MUM!.. MUUUUUUUUUUM!!!" )
17. (sing that really lame candy man song.. over.. and OVER.. and OVER.. "da dum da dum.. the candy man can.. if da candy man cant.. then nobody can.. da candy man can.. doo doo doo".. )
18. (in a little kid's voice) "are you my daddy?"
19. (call the number at the zoo.. in front of the howler monkey enclosure.. keep the receiver covered.. until they answer.. then, let the monkeys rip.. "WOOOP WOOOP WOOOP WOOOP!" )
20. (start up a conversation with them.. ask how their day's been.. comment on the weather.. mention how incredibly lonely you are.. mention how all your ex boyfriends / girlfriends did you wrong.. mention how you own 20 cats.. ask them "do you really think somethings wrong with me??"... mention how infomercials have changed your life.. ask them if they will marry you.. and if so, do they mind gettin' married naked.. etc.. etc.. till they freak out and hang up..)
:: Spoz 5:05 AM |