:: Sunday, April 20, 2003
WEIRD MOMENTS IN BEARD..
having owned this funny 'lil goatee for the last 9 years.. and generally sprouting demented hair on my face, for as least the last 11 years..
here's some fun little observations for those of you, who.. for various genetic (and perhaps gender) reasons.. haven't experienced the fun that is beard.. (but hey, wait till ya edgin' past 60.. and you'll all be fuzzin' it up.. MUHAHAHAHA!)
1. when it comes to face growth, there's several distinct levels of shag pile..
(a) I'm clean shaven, I'm slave to the corporate machine...
(b) I have that cool hungover fukt up look.. the chicks will dig me..
(c) I'm smellier than a frenchman..
(d) itch factor 5000 (the main reason most people don't stick with beards)
(e) look at ME.. I'm ALL FURRY ON ME FACE
(f) biker dude
(g) ZZ top
(h) crazy 'ol hermit guy..
for me.. the key length, is short enough not to scare small children, but long enough.. to give you just a enough to twiddle with your fingers thoughtfully, thus giving people the illusion your IQ is 20 points higher than it is..
2. the bald spots - everyone who's ever owned a beard knows about these, for some reasons beards never come complete.. they'll always have a bermuda triangle of hair.. the place where it just disappears, and all that's left is a pale spot of chin..
3. the itch factor 5000 - the midway point between clean shaven and actually having a beard, also the point where you just look like a slob.. annoyingly enough also the itchiest thing you could ever inflict on ya face.. it's why sometimes you see these loons who decide "YES! I SHALL BE A HAIRY LOON" only to give up.. coz they're scratchin' their face like some scary old guy that follows you at bus stops..
4. the exploding shrub phenomenon - the odd thing about a beard.. especially a goatee, is.. you'll be shaving the other non beard bits quite regularily.. coz quite noticebly.. they'll need trimming.. yet, for weeks on end.. your beard will look the same happy / neat little fuzz patch.. till.. one day.. BOOM! exploding shrub phenomenon.. as if overnight.. it just sprouts an extra inch of hair.. usually in all directions.. makin' you look like biker dude..
5. the curse of the itchy mouth hairs - it's a little known fact that beard hairs crave nutrients.. and will, whenever possible, go out've their way to seek it.. hence those funny little misfired foodmorsels you find some beardies are victim to.. also, the reason for another annoying phenomenon.. itchy mouth hairs.. those accursed hairs around ya mouth.. that insist on trying to curl into it.. thus, causing you to spend a lot of time.. trying to spit or blow 'em out the way.. and generally swat around your face like a mental patient.. it's fascinatin' to observe 'em too.. coz, they'll quite deliberately just AIM for ya mouth.. and sometimes even.. get caught in ya teeth for extra annoyance..
so.. it makes ya wonder, WHY THE HELL DO YA HAVE A BEARD YA GIT?
and seriously it all boils down to makin' me look 20 IQ points smarter when I tweak the thing..
oh.. and y'know.. goatees look fucken cool n evil n shit.. yeah.. :-)
:: Spoz 4:51 PM |