:: Tuesday, March 25, 2003
HOW TO FAKE YOUR OWN NEWS STORIES, JUST LIKE THE PRO's..
day in / night out.. tv flickering constant CNN footage of armies crawling over IRAQ..
you get a growing impression that none of this war footage is real, it's like all those moon-landings faked by the USA in the 60's and 70's to appear better than the Russians (well, if you believe the growing tide of conspiracy nutta's.. dontcha love 'em?)
so.. if none of this war is real, if we have a fake US president, an apparently fake Saddam Hussein who may or may not be dead, fake POW's, fake downed fighter jets.. then where's the reality??
and.. come to think of it.. WHERE'S THE OTHER NEWS!!???
considering how glaringly fake most of this war news seems, it makes me wonder if the other news we get, is faked too..
simply a cycle of seemingly improbable yet funny stories in constant rotation by the main media multinationals, to keep the ratings and the stock prices up.. keep the cowering populace fearful of the unknown, and give us plenty to laugh at when a politician fucks it up nice n proper..
so.. if you're bored with the war, here's some of the other "news" they could invent instead...
pick and choose wot'ever you'd prefer to see ;)
1. THE BIG HUMAN TRAGEDY STORY
usually it's either (a) an earthquake somewhere in the former USSR, Eastern Europe or China.. (b) a shopping centre collapse somewhere in South East Asia.. or (c) a massive flash-flood in Western Europe.. (sometimes alternated with a crazy story usually in Isreal involving a wedding reception collapse, or some kinda wacky avalanche story..).. the deathtoll is always something huge to begin with, anything above 10,000 the norm, only to drop to around 200 when the media decided the story is too boring and move on to #2..
2. HOW LOW CAN YOU GO? STORY
a real popular one - involving celebrities and their hilarious downward spiral into shame and defamation - usually split into 2 catagories (a) the "guess who's a paedophile NOW!" story.. where yet another star is charged with child pornography.. whether it's that dude from Massive Attack (charges found to be false) that drummer from the WHO (also apparently false), Gary Glitter (bleck), Michael Jackson (always a favorite for this kinda thing).. hell, there's a whole LOT of 'em.. one wonders which ones are actually real, and which ones arent.. then, there's the 2nd catagory (b) the "guess who's been found unconscious n naked in the bushes on the Sunset Strip?".. usually a story owned by Robert Downy Jnr.. but also popular with Matthew Perry, Nick Nolte, anyone who's currently dating Ellen.. (wouldn't blame 'em really), anyone from the 80's bratpack.. anyone from a boyband.. or Ben Affleck..
3. WHAT COMES UP, MUST COME DOWN..
every few weeks.. its the same thing, somewhere around the world - there's an airshow.. and once again, a plane does a nosedive into concrete.. you'd think they'd learn by now.. DONT FUCK WITH GRAVITY! occassionally this story is swapped for the "Black Hawk Down" story.. where, for inexplicable reasons, another military helicopter manages to confuse the sky with the ground.. and hits it..
4. OBSCURE HOLLYWOOD OLDY BITES THE DUST..
these always cluster in groups of 3's.. some old codger, famous for that big "cowboy", "roman epic", "cheesy 40's musical" or "great patriotic hollywood american president" thing, croaks it, aged 80 - 110 or somethin'.. usually nobody's actually heard of the guy, until they show the big retrospective on TV.. always followed by some other old codger.. apparently famous for something else we never heard of before.. the 3rd, is usually the tragic young star / starlet who dies, life cut tragically short by a (a) planecrash (b) carcrash (c) failed autoerotic accident involving a ceiling fan and a belt (d) Robert Downy Jnr..
5. THE BASTARD CORPORATE COLLAPSE
conveniently never showed anywhere near an actual political election, so nobody see's any apparent link between 'em.. this is one of those big insurance company / investment bank / international airline / telecommunications company.. sorta thing, which despite apparently showing soaring stock prices or profit margins goes belly up.. taking a shitloads of jobs, and lost money with them.. usually spilling out a few happy former executives / CEO's who run off to tropical climates with big payouts in the $10 - $30 million area.. although the scandal goes on for weeks.. seemingly nothing is ever resolved..
6. THE HIT N RUN CELEBRITY WEDDING
guarenteed to bore everyone to tears, we have the big glamorous / yet heavily covert hollywood wedding.. expect idiot glam photo's of the happy couple sneaking out've their underground military / wedding compound laughing with glee.. whilst dodging the bullets of passing papparazzi.. to live happily ever after till (a) the divorce 2 weeks later, (b) their tragic death in a plane crash (c) we die of further boredom..
7. PET OWNERS DO THE MOST STUPID THINGS
used to kill time at the end of a dead news day - bring out some tired footage of (a) a cat who can use a knife n fork (coz they've taped it to their paws), (b) a dog who surfs, (c) a parrot who can do complex algebra, (d) a goldfish that lives for 50 years... or, y'know.. one of those "pet saves owner's life" stories.. which will conveniently get made into a feature Disney movie featuring Cuba Gooding Jnr and a muppet..
8. FREAK BIRTH
it's the same old tired story, alternating between these 'ol favourites (a) a girl aged between 6-10 somehow gives birth somewhere in the UK, (b) a 3 headed siamese freak with no arms is born in the Philipines (added value of follow up stories to operate on them), (c) a woman in the USA gives birth to octuplets, nineplets.. or if they can even find a word for it.. 10 kids upwards.. (d) a woman in Canada aged over 70 gives birth.. either way.. proving no matter how ridiculous our population growth is choking the planet, no matter how much we fuck the planet up with hardcore environmental damage and pollution.. we'll still find new and wacky ways to fuck it up, and choke it out even further.. doesn't the human race ROCK? oooohyeaaah :)
and don't even get me started on Current Affairs shows.. coz we ALL know they're fake..
(just invent any 'ol story involving (a) dole bludgers (b) shoddy house rennovations (c) asthma cures (d) fad diet schemes (e) anything involving breasts (but disguised as women's issues), (f) some good 'ol diseased or injured aussie battler that Ray Martin can interview (g) insurance scams (h) any excuse for a camera crew to get an angry door slammed in their face)
are we THAT predictable?? or is all news fake?
it's all old to me..
:: Spoz 6:02 PM |